The bad batch: My least favourite films of 2017

Thumb's up? Nope, it's a definite thumb's down for Assassin's Creed

I wasn't going to bother with a "worst of the year" list this time, as I'd somehow avoided seeing most of those films already widely acknowledged to be 2017's most rotten. I'd avoided The Book Of Henry, gave The Emoji Movie a swerve, and paid no attention whatsoever to the likes of Baywatch and Transformers: The Last Knight. Having given it a bit of thought, though, it turned out there were still a great many absolute stinkers worth naming and shaming. A surprising number of them were 'Netflix Originals' and, oddly, some starred actors of whom I am very fond (including Juliette Binoche, Marion Cotillard, and Javier Bardem). Only films released in the UK on any format between January 1 and December 31 2017 qualified for inclusion...

10. Assassin's Creed

Director: Justin Kurzel  UK release date: January 1
Despite starring Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard, and boasting a budget of some $125million, the Macbeth director's video game adaptation is a howling mess. The storyline is confused and confusing, and there is so much exposition you could stick a flag in it and declare it an independent nation. It's all topped off with iffy CG and a grungy colour palette that goes all the way from turd-brown to corpse-grey. See my full review here.

9. To The Bone
Director: Marti Noxon  UK release date: July 14
Soppy and unconvincing drama about anorexia, written and directed by Buffy The Vampire Slayer alum Noxon. Lily Collins is Ellen, a young woman battling the disease, who seeks treatment under Keanu Reeves' unconventional doctor at a live-in rehab clinic. Alex Sharp's Luke – a weird and wacky Brit – is so annoying you wish the reassuringly wooden Reeves would turn into John Wick and put a bullet between his eyes. 

8. Naked
Director: Michael Tiddes  UK release date: August 11
Shameless rip-off of Groundhog Day that steals everything from Harold Ramis's 1993 comedy classic, apart from its great jokes and infinite charm. This 'Netflix Original', directed by Fifty Shades Of Black's Tiddes, sees Marlon Wayans cursed to relive the hour before his wedding over and over again, until he shapes up and gives his wife-to-be (Regina Hall) the ceremony and husband she deserves. Insufferably predictable and laughter free.

Bare-faced cheek: Naked rips off Groundhog Day... it doesn't go well

7. Death Note
Director: Adam Wingard  UK release date: August 25

Po-faced live-action Netflix adaptation of the Japanese manga that fails to make good use of its USP – namely, Ryuk, an eight-foot tall demonic death god, voiced here by Willem Dafoe. The CG creature turns up quite a bit at the start, then only appears intermittently for the rest of the film, actually doing very little. If you have a massive demon as your film's visual centrepiece, might it not have been an idea to keep him gainfully employed?

6. From The Land Of The Moon
Director: Nicole Garcia  UK release date: June 9
The year's worst plot twist goes to this dreary romantic melodrama. In 1950s France, Marion Cotillard's Gabrielle is stuck in a loveless marriage but falls in love with another man when, ill, she is sent away to a clinic in the Alps for treatment. It isn't predictable but only because the twist is so ludicrous (not to mention unoriginal) you spend the film's final moments trying to decide whether to laugh or throw things at the screen.

5. Slack Bay

Director: Bruno Dumont  UK release date: June 16
Obnoxious French black comedy from director Dumont. Set in 1910, it sees an affluent family arrive at their lavish holiday home for the summer, only to find themselves embroiled in a police investigation into a series of mysterious disappearances. People fall over a lot, the two lead cops look like Laurel and Hardy for some reason, and there's even a family of cannibals. A masterclass in overacting, especially from Juliette Binoche in a career low.

Kiss of death: Slack Bay does little for Anglo-French relations

4. The Circle
Director: James Ponsoldt  UK release date: June 30
Leaden Emma Watson lands her dream job at the titular Facebook-style company in Silicon Valley, but quickly finds her life subsumed into its corporate strictures and demands. Shockingly, it turns out these tech companies are robbing us all of our privacy and identity, something I'd certainly never considered before (sarcasm). In fact, Ponsoldt's film is so bad not even Tom Hanks, as a creepy Steve Jobs-esque CEO, can save it.

3. Little Evil
Director: Eli Craig  UK release date: September 1
Adam Scott marries Evangeline Lilly's single mum and becomes convinced her six-year-old son is the Antichrist in this supposed comedy/horror from Netflix. The idea to use the set-up of The Omen as a way into exploring the difficulties of being a step-parent is a solid one, but writer/director Craig fails to take it anywhere remotely interesting. The jokes aren't funny, the horror isn't scary, and the "power of love" ending made me want to sacrifice a virgin.

2. The Last Face
Director: Sean Penn  UK release date: May 12

This well-intentioned clunker sees Charlize Theron and Javier Bardem's crusading doctors conducting a fraught romance amidst the mayhem of Liberia's second civil war in 2003. It's horribly clumsy and cloyingly earnest, with none of its black African characters granted any agency whatsoever. They are little more than extras in what should, after all, be their story. Worst of all, though, is its dialogue – "she's leaking urine, but she's dancing" being perhaps the most ill-advised line in any film I've seen all year.

1. Tomboy

Director: Walter Hill  UK release date: March 13
In his heyday, veteran Hill directed the likes of The Driver, 48 Hours and The Warriors. This monstrosity, however, is such a fall from grace it seems likely he made it for a bet (i.e. "I bet you can't make one of the worst movies of all time"). Michelle Rodriguez is Frank Kitchen, a macho hitman transitioned into a woman against his will in an act of revenge by Sigourney Weaver's mad scientist. The premise is beyond stupid and the film lives down to it at every available opportunity. A turgid, misogynistic, transphobic shambles. Read my full review here.

Just shoot me! Tomboy is the worst film I've seen all year

Coming next: The third annual 'Resties'. Watch this space...

David Lynch: The Art Life, The Levelling, and The Circle: Your Week In Film (July 17-23)

Endless Circle: Emma Watson and Karen Gillan star in an overlong Netflix nasty

The week's best and worst new films on DVD, Blu-ray, and VOD. All movies are available to buy, rent or stream right now, unless otherwise stated...

Ratings guide: WWWW - Wonderful  WWW - Worthwhile  WW - Watchable  W - Woeful

With the Twin Peaks revival in full swing and Mulholland Drive receiving a swanky new 4k restoration and reissue only a few months ago, the release of David Lynch: The Art Life (cinemas and VOD) WWW½ couldn't be more timely. But anyone expecting to see the cult director's classic TV show or critically-adored movie (the best film of the 21st Century, according to a BBC poll) given house room in this intimate portrait of the man, may well be disappointed. Jon Nguyen and Rick Barnes' documentary focuses exclusively on Lynch's early life and takes us no further than his debut feature, Eraserhead, made in 1977. Despite that, however, it provides a unique window into Lynch's personal history, his working process, and thoughts on art and life.

One of the things I love about Lynch – now 71 – is the contrast between the dark and disturbing nature of his work and the personable, undemonstrative figure he cuts in interviews. Here he is simply put in front of a microphone and asked to talk about his life, starting with his very early years. If Nguyen and Barnes ask questions or feed him prompts, you never see or hear them as the movie dances to the tune of Lynch's voice, whether he is soberly discussing his upbringing (surprisingly happy), or working on his latest painting. It's sometimes easy to forget that art is as big a part of Lynch's work as his movies or TV shows, and this film is keen to redress that balance. The directors place his paintings front and centre throughout, and the title itself – The Art Life – merely underlines that intention. 

As you'd imagine, Lynch has a wealth of fascinating anecdotes to impart. I was particularly struck by his descriptions of 1970s Philadelphia, where he admits to being scared quite a lot of the time but also incredibly inspired by the sheer dystopian malaise of the place. He goes on to tell a great story about his dad, Donald, paying him a visit in the city, and being taken down to the basement to check out the young artist's latest projects and experiments, some of which involved rotting fruit and dead birds. On the drive back to the airport, his dad (who'd clearly been discomfited by his son's work) turned to him and said: "Dave, I don't think you should ever have children." 

I guess the temptation when making a documentary about Lynch must be to make it as odd and difficult as some of his films but Nguyen and Barnes do the exact opposite – this is an accessible, linear and thoroughly enjoyable piece of work and I sincerely hope we get a second instalment in the near future.

Art attack: David Lynch talks about his life and career

I've given up trying to keep track of when the latest Netflix Original will drop on the increasingly infuriating streaming service, so The Circle W½ could have been on there three days, three weeks or three months, for all I know. Based on a novel by Dave Eggers, it sees Beauty & The Beast's Emma Watson landing her dream job at the titular Facebook-style social media and tech company in Silicon Valley, but quickly finding her life and identity taken over by its corporate strictures and demands. Under the watchful eye of The Circle's head honchos (Tom Hanks and Patton Oswalt), Watson ends up going "fully transparent", i.e. having her every move (outside of bathroom breaks) beamed live to a massive global audience 24 hours a day.

It kicks off quite well - a bit Steve Jobs, a bit The Truman Show – with some well-aimed barbs at corporate culture and the erosion of privacy. Unfortunately, about halfway through, proceedings take a turn for the melodramatic and something that had already started to lose my interest, became a challenge to finish. Sure, there's directorial flourish here from James Ponsoldt (who co-wrote the screenplay with Eggers) and for once the computery on-screen visuals (messages, icons, emojis etc) are quite well integrated into the live action. Ultimately, though, if The Circle lacks anything, it is pace. There are odd digressions and at least two characters who are literally nothing more than the thinnest of plot devices.

I struggle with Watson – she was fine in The Bling Ring (directed by Sofia Coppola, how could she not be?) and certainly manages a passable American accent here. There's just something very ordinary about her – something unengaging and uncharismatic. I wasn't really that bothered about her character, Mae, her struggling parents (played by Bill Paxton and Glenne Headly), or dull potential love interest (Boyhood's Ellar Coltrane). In truth, Karen Gillan – as her best friend – isn't a whole lot better in a fairly thankless role. And will someone please give Oswalt something more meaty than this peripheral second-banana stuff? His fine turn in Young Adult seems an awful long time ago now.

In fact, the best thing about the whole shebang is – predictably – Hanks, a creepy Steve Jobs-esque figure who, with his dress-down Friday attire and matey bonhomie, captures that faux man of the people/heartless capitalist bastard vibe perfectly. He should play rotters more often.

Logging off: Tom Hanks is the best thing about The Circle

Like Manchester By The Sea, The Levelling (DVD, Blu-ray, and VOD) WWWW begins with its main character returning home following the death of a sibling. Whilst Kenneth Lonergan's film leavened its darker moments with occasional stabs of humour, though, Hope Dickson Leach's superb debut affords viewers no such respite. And whilst it lacks Manchester's sheer emotional gut punch, The Levelling makes up for that with a thematic heft and oppressive atmosphere that fair takes the breath away.

Set in 2014, after the real-life floods that devastated parts of Somerset, the film sees young veterinary student Clover (Game Of Thrones' Ellie Kendrick) return to the small dairy farm owned by her family. Her older brother Harry (Joe Blakemore) has committed suicide and she walks into a scene of utter turmoil, her father Aubrey (David Troughton) in deep denial about his son's death. Having had no insurance, and their home destroyed by the flood, Aubrey is now living in a trailer on the grounds of the farm and struggling badly to keep his head above water, both financially and mentally. There is distance between father and daughter, too: she calls him Aubrey, never dad, and he's clearly resentful that she went away to college rather than stay to work on – and eventually inherit – the farm.

So far, so bleak Channel 4 drama. The most impressive thing about The Levelling, though, is how it is more than the sum of its social-realist parts. In fact, there's almost something horrific about it. Its characters aren't being stalked by a madman with an axe or some alien monstrosity, but by the sheer bloody capriciousness and random awfulness of life itself. Troughton is a revelation as Aubrey – a wounded bear, drinking too much, under terrible pressure and approaching breaking point. He is a man all-but taken apart by rotten luck and cruel circumstance. Death, decay and foreboding are omnipresent here – glowering skies, flocks of screeching birds, illegally-shot badgers, mud and shit as far as the eye can see, and the damp innards of the flooded house. It should depress the hell out of you but is suffused with such skill, precision and craft that the film simply bowls you right over instead.

The Levelling is a clever title, referring at once to both the area in which the film is set – the Somerset Levels – and the way in which these characters have been reduced to the same 'level' as the livestock they farm. Penned into his small mobile home, out of choices and waiting for the axe to fall, poor Aubrey has no more agency than the male dairy calf Clover kills in one of the film's most powerful moments. Yes, it's a bloody hard watch but an incredibly rewarding one.

Cold comfort farm: The Levelling is bleak but brilliant

Finally, there's Slack Bay (MUBI) W½, an insufferable French comedy from director Bruno Dumont (Camille Claudel 1915). Set in 1910, it sees an affluent family arrive at their lavish holiday home for the summer, only to find themselves embroiled in a police investigation into a series of mysterious disappearances. It's quite intriguing and mildly amusing for the first half-hour but quickly becomes tiresomely wacky. People fall over a lot, the two lead cops look like Laurel and Hardy for some reason, and there's even a family of cannibals. I suspect it's all some sort of commentary on class conflict but any message is buried beneath a mountain of terrible overacting, especially from the usually dependable Juliette Binoche (I actually cheered when her character, Aude, was knocked unconscious late on in the film). In fact, there's so much chewing of scenery going on, at times I wondered if I was watching a really weird episode of MasterChef.  

What I shall be watching this week: When Sofia Coppola has a new movie out – in this case, The Beguiled – I am there.