Oscars wish list

**Contains spoiler for Gone Girl - you have been warned**

1. That the revisionist, right-wing and totally rubbish American Sniper wins nothing, nada, zip.

2. That Nightcrawler wins at least one award - Rene Russo will struggle to beat Boyhood's Patricia Arquette for Best Supporting Actress so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for writer/director Dan Gilroy in the Original Screenplay category.

3. That the opening number features Public Enemy and their latest ditty: "Where the fuck are all the non-white nominees this year?"

4. That 'Everything is Awesome' wins Best Original Song - it won't entirely make up for The Lego Movie's egregious snub in the Animated Feature category but it will help.

5. That if Leviathan wins best Foreign Language Film, they have a live feed from the Kremlin showing Vladimir Putin's enraged reaction. 

6. That Julianne Moore - arguably the finest American actress of her generation - finally wins an award after four previous noms.

7. That John Travolta is asked to read the nominations for Best Actor and calls Benedict Cumberbatch, "Bendydick Cucumbersandwich".

8. That Boyhood, Grand Budapest Hotel and Birdman all win at least one of the big prizes.

9. That Ida wins best Foreign Language Film, although, failing that, I'd settle for Pawel Pawlikowski's film taking the Cinematography prize instead.

10. That there is no repeat of last year's tiresome selfie bollocks.

11. That host Neil Patrick Harris presents the awards as a zombified version of his character in Gone Girl, complete with gorily slashed throat.

12. That JK Simmons collects his Best Supporting Actor award in character as Terence 'Not quite my tempo' Fletcher and reduces several audience members to tears.

13. That someone has the foresight to lock Benedict Cumberbatch in a wardrobe to prevent him getting up to any more "hilarious" photobombing high jinks.

14. That those members of the Academy that couldn't be bothered to watch all the Best Picture nominees are made to come out onto the stage and explain themselves.

15. That Eddie Redmayne turns up drunk, chanting 'Millwall aggro', and looking for a ruck.

16. That I won't be tempted to stay up and watch the whole interminable ceremony because it doesn't finish until 4.30 in the morning UK time.