Leftover turkeys

I know some people savour and even enjoy bad movies but I’m not one of them. When I used to review films for lad-mag Maxim in the early 2000s, I had to sit through some terrible old rot (Gigli and 9 Dead Gay Guys being the two that still haunt my nightmares to this day), so feel I’ve more than had my fill of poor acting, stupid plots and torturous dialogue.

I've therefore managed to spare myself the horror of Grace of Monaco, Three Days to Kill and Transformers 4 but of all the movies I've seen this year, these five are what I’ll charitably call my least favourite...

1. I, Frankenstein (Director: Stuart Beattie)
The Penny Dreadful TV show and DC's short-lived comic-book Frankenstein and the Agents of S.H.A.D.E both showed there's still lots of fun to be had with Mary Shelley's magnificent monster. This CGI-suffused shitathon, on the other hand, is about as enjoyable as banging your elbow on the sharp edge of a table.

2. Godzilla (Gareth Edwards) 
I’m a Godzilla fan from way back – I loved the Marvel comics and cartoon show when I was a kid and still collect Japanese Gojira movies to this day. I have no idea what this was meant to be though. Its first half-hour – when Bryan Cranston was in it – had promise. After that it was downhill all the way as trainee-mannequin Aaron Taylor-Johnson's tedious Ford Brody (giggle) took centre-stage. I think there was a monster in there somewhere for a few minutes, too.

3. Horns (Alexandre Aja)
Cack-handed adaptation of Joe Hill's vastly superior novel. Daniel Radcliffe once again proves he has the on-screen charisma of a half-eaten blancmange. Hellish.

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Jonathan Liebesman)
Charmless CGI-riddled reboot starring decent actors – I'm looking at you William Fichtner and Will Arnett – who really should know better. Cowabunga? No, a load of Cowabollocks.

5. Amazing Spider-Man 2 (Marc Webb)
The fact fine thesps like Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone failed to lift this bloated, disjointed superhero sequel above the thoroughly mediocre tells you everything you need to know. Also, those "hilarious" Stan Lee cameos really need to just fuck off now.